She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
