She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I love you. Go after that dick
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
