I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
