So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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