my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
