Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
