I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
