a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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