Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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