ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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