I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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