is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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