Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
