oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
