I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
