someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
worst night to have a conscience
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
