I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
