Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
