Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
