She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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