How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
