Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
