i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
