Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
