Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
