Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
