I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
