dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
