My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Randomize
