YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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