My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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