And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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