I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
