You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
