apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
