I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
