pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
