My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
