I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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