I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
