i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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