I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Girls should come with a carfax report
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
