My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
