Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
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