Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
