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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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