walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
