I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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