I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
