i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
